Tell a New Story

There's a famous quote attributed to Winston Churchill that says, "If you're going through hell, keep going." It's sound advice. I mean really, who would just stay wallowing in hell if you could keep going and get out of it? And yet, many, many times in our lives *we do just that. We wallow in hell rather than getting the hell out of there! Do we do this on purpose? No, that would be insane. We wouldn't intentionally torture ourselves by keeping ourselves in a place of misery or despair. Yet so often we hang on to traumas, injustices, disappointments, and other such things for so long that they become part of our story of who we think we are. And we tell that story to ourselves and others over and over again. Reminding ourselves how hard we had it as a child, how bad we are at long term relationships, how sick we always are, how wronged we were by this person or that person, what bad luck we have finding rewarding work or how we aren't good at making friends.

Here's the thing though, these stories are from the past. They actually have no relevance on today except the relevance we keep giving them by keeping them alive in the now. Remember, all of our power is in this moment. This is the launching place for so much more. Yet when we keep those old stories alive, we severely limit our potential for new experiences. Our perspective on the future is clouded by our constantly looking back at the past.

This is not to say that we should deny our past or ignore challenges and try to paint a smiley face over everything. What we do need to do, if we want to get out of that story (or that particular hell we are living) is accept it. Accept it fully as something that happened. It is what it is. Or it was what it was. Make peace with it and then drop it. Tell a new story. Start simple with phrases like, "Up until today I saw myself as a victim of my childhood, but from now on I am moving forward instead of looking back." or "I used to think the universe had it in for me, but from now on I am going to start noticing what is going right for me." It might not seem like much, but if you're serious about getting out of hell then you've got to keep moving forward not back and forward but forward.

I have my own recent example of "going through hell". One week after I was released from the hospital after my transplant I had to be readmitted. You may have heard a far off scream of Nooooo in the air. That was me. Though my new lung was doing splendidly, my old lung had decided to throw in the towel and collapse. To make a very long story short, I proceeded on a roller coaster of ups and downs that eventually totaled an additional 3+ weeks in the hospital. Many times during that stay I was convinced the universe was against me. Here I was with a fresh new lung waiting to jump back into life after so long and bam I'm knocked down again. It was so unfair! I was overcome by the injustice of it all (though I will state right now that my circumstances were nowhere near as serious as many of the other people on that hospital floor). I kept breaking down into tears, but soon discovered that this was not the way to go as it was terribly annoying to get all stuffed up from crying, I am a really ugly crier and you are never given more than 5 minutes alone in a hospital. I realized I was going to have to pull it together.

The words of Alan Watts kept coming back to me, "Do you define yourself as a victim of the world or as the world?" I kept reminding myself that I was not a victim. I decided to accept fully where I was. To embrace it and make the most of it. I got to know the nurses and the PCTs. I had my family bring in games and crafts. Friends sent books and movies. In short, I settled in for the long haul. I started looking for what I could learn from the experience and I kept celebrating any small sign of progress. My attitude changed and I was able to handle the ups and downs with more grace. I wasn't denying what was happening. I was accepting and making peace with it. What other choice did I have? Like I said, I'm a really ugly crier. Eventually, I made it out of the hospital and have been progressing nicely ever since. More and more I am changing my story from someone who was getting sicker every day to someone who is getting better every day. It feels amazing to be on the road to recovery, but I didn't start feeling like that just because I had the transplant. It took a shift of perspective for me to truly feel like I am someone who could live vibrantly well.

*I use the term we in a very general way. Not everything will apply to everyone, of course.

Today, I danced.

My Second Wind...

I haven't blogged for quite a while, but I have a very good reason as most of you know. On Mother's Day I received a very special gift. The one I had been waiting years for. I received a new lung. It is an incredible thing to receive an organ. Someone died and at the same time gave the gift of life. It reminds me that we are all connected. That we are truly all one way down deep at the core.

It is also a huge responsibility to care for a new lung. There are many medicines to take, side effects of those meds to handle, precautions to take because of the now compromised immune system, many miscellaneous bumps along the way, and the emotional toll it takes on you. In short your whole life changes. As a friend of mine aptly noted, it is like bringing home a new born baby for the first time. Everything you once knew has changed and you wonder how they could have sent you home and trusted you with this precious gift! Overwhelming, yes, but oh so worth it to breathe easily!

Every day I am slowly but surely healing and adjusting to this new way of life. This is in large part due to the wonderful support team I have had. Family and friends have rallied around me with their strength and their love and it has made a world of difference. I am blown away by people's generosity. Their thoughtfulness and generosity of spirit, time, resources, pep talks, meals and more amazes me and has taught me so much about compassion and what it means to give from the heart.

Everyone has been so amazing, but I would like to honor one special person here today with a poem I wrote in the middle of the night exactly 1 week after my transplant. The poem actually wrote itself. I had very little to do with it.

For my husband...

The true hero stands quietly just left of center

Do you see him there with his soft brown eyes?

He is the hero that no one will notice

When the lead takes her center stage light

He is the one who stands in support of

Quietly doing what needs to be done.

The hundred nights of tears and frustration

Leading to this miracle one

He asks for nothing

No credit, no payment

He asks only that the show will go on

This hero is the light of my own life

And with him I will always shine on.