Tell a New Story

There's a famous quote attributed to Winston Churchill that says, "If you're going through hell, keep going." It's sound advice. I mean really, who would just stay wallowing in hell if you could keep going and get out of it? And yet, many, many times in our lives *we do just that. We wallow in hell rather than getting the hell out of there! Do we do this on purpose? No, that would be insane. We wouldn't intentionally torture ourselves by keeping ourselves in a place of misery or despair. Yet so often we hang on to traumas, injustices, disappointments, and other such things for so long that they become part of our story of who we think we are. And we tell that story to ourselves and others over and over again. Reminding ourselves how hard we had it as a child, how bad we are at long term relationships, how sick we always are, how wronged we were by this person or that person, what bad luck we have finding rewarding work or how we aren't good at making friends.

Here's the thing though, these stories are from the past. They actually have no relevance on today except the relevance we keep giving them by keeping them alive in the now. Remember, all of our power is in this moment. This is the launching place for so much more. Yet when we keep those old stories alive, we severely limit our potential for new experiences. Our perspective on the future is clouded by our constantly looking back at the past.

This is not to say that we should deny our past or ignore challenges and try to paint a smiley face over everything. What we do need to do, if we want to get out of that story (or that particular hell we are living) is accept it. Accept it fully as something that happened. It is what it is. Or it was what it was. Make peace with it and then drop it. Tell a new story. Start simple with phrases like, "Up until today I saw myself as a victim of my childhood, but from now on I am moving forward instead of looking back." or "I used to think the universe had it in for me, but from now on I am going to start noticing what is going right for me." It might not seem like much, but if you're serious about getting out of hell then you've got to keep moving forward not back and forward but forward.

I have my own recent example of "going through hell". One week after I was released from the hospital after my transplant I had to be readmitted. You may have heard a far off scream of Nooooo in the air. That was me. Though my new lung was doing splendidly, my old lung had decided to throw in the towel and collapse. To make a very long story short, I proceeded on a roller coaster of ups and downs that eventually totaled an additional 3+ weeks in the hospital. Many times during that stay I was convinced the universe was against me. Here I was with a fresh new lung waiting to jump back into life after so long and bam I'm knocked down again. It was so unfair! I was overcome by the injustice of it all (though I will state right now that my circumstances were nowhere near as serious as many of the other people on that hospital floor). I kept breaking down into tears, but soon discovered that this was not the way to go as it was terribly annoying to get all stuffed up from crying, I am a really ugly crier and you are never given more than 5 minutes alone in a hospital. I realized I was going to have to pull it together.

The words of Alan Watts kept coming back to me, "Do you define yourself as a victim of the world or as the world?" I kept reminding myself that I was not a victim. I decided to accept fully where I was. To embrace it and make the most of it. I got to know the nurses and the PCTs. I had my family bring in games and crafts. Friends sent books and movies. In short, I settled in for the long haul. I started looking for what I could learn from the experience and I kept celebrating any small sign of progress. My attitude changed and I was able to handle the ups and downs with more grace. I wasn't denying what was happening. I was accepting and making peace with it. What other choice did I have? Like I said, I'm a really ugly crier. Eventually, I made it out of the hospital and have been progressing nicely ever since. More and more I am changing my story from someone who was getting sicker every day to someone who is getting better every day. It feels amazing to be on the road to recovery, but I didn't start feeling like that just because I had the transplant. It took a shift of perspective for me to truly feel like I am someone who could live vibrantly well.

*I use the term we in a very general way. Not everything will apply to everyone, of course.

Today, I danced.

My Second Wind...

I haven't blogged for quite a while, but I have a very good reason as most of you know. On Mother's Day I received a very special gift. The one I had been waiting years for. I received a new lung. It is an incredible thing to receive an organ. Someone died and at the same time gave the gift of life. It reminds me that we are all connected. That we are truly all one way down deep at the core.

It is also a huge responsibility to care for a new lung. There are many medicines to take, side effects of those meds to handle, precautions to take because of the now compromised immune system, many miscellaneous bumps along the way, and the emotional toll it takes on you. In short your whole life changes. As a friend of mine aptly noted, it is like bringing home a new born baby for the first time. Everything you once knew has changed and you wonder how they could have sent you home and trusted you with this precious gift! Overwhelming, yes, but oh so worth it to breathe easily!

Every day I am slowly but surely healing and adjusting to this new way of life. This is in large part due to the wonderful support team I have had. Family and friends have rallied around me with their strength and their love and it has made a world of difference. I am blown away by people's generosity. Their thoughtfulness and generosity of spirit, time, resources, pep talks, meals and more amazes me and has taught me so much about compassion and what it means to give from the heart.

Everyone has been so amazing, but I would like to honor one special person here today with a poem I wrote in the middle of the night exactly 1 week after my transplant. The poem actually wrote itself. I had very little to do with it.

For my husband...

The true hero stands quietly just left of center

Do you see him there with his soft brown eyes?

He is the hero that no one will notice

When the lead takes her center stage light

He is the one who stands in support of

Quietly doing what needs to be done.

The hundred nights of tears and frustration

Leading to this miracle one

He asks for nothing

No credit, no payment

He asks only that the show will go on

This hero is the light of my own life

And with him I will always shine on.

Spine Poetry

A fun way to write a poem and a new way to look at your book spines...

Go ahead - try this at home!

Never Give Up

I love this quote by the Dalai Lama. A simple, poetic reminder to persevere with love in our hearts and compassion for ourselves and others. 

Life is Happening Now

I think we can exhale now. Spring has sprung and every day the changes are extraordinary. In fact it seems like visible changes are occurring hourly - every time I pop out my back door or go run an errand another bush has budded, another bird has returned, another tree has blossomed and another sneeze can be heard... ahh the price of pollination. So worth it though!

And so it goes, and so it seems life imitates nature through the changes and the ups and downs. For so long nothing changes, or so it would appear, then all at once they come fast and furious. Of course things are always changing, even when we don't see it.  So much must occur underground before the first sprout can shoot up. So much goes on inside before we see the evidence of real change.  Keep the faith. Carry on.

But some things we want to stay the same and we find ourselves resisting the changes that we see - our children growing up so fast, routines and traditions bending and sometimes breaking completely, the feeling of getting older or noticing our parents age, watching technology transform our world and our youth. It is easy to romanticize a simpler, happier past. We don our super-powered rose colored glasses and set our fingers on cling mode as we try in vain to hold on to days gone by.

Take it from someone who used to be quite practiced in the art of looking back, resisting change by clinging to the past is just a waste of time. Instead of trying to reclaim the past, let's reclaim the now.  This moment right now is the only moment we have. It is the place where everything begins. It is the point at which we launch forward into life. Spring is such an easy time to be in the now. With evidence of life springing up all around, it is easy to take a moment to appreciate what is happening right now. To literally "stop and smell the roses" as we go through our day. Taking moments several times a day to purposefully be in the now is a great way to practice being present. Even when things aren't all butterflies and rainbows, we can appreciate what is happening without resisting it.  It takes practice but the work it takes to get to a more peaceful state of mind is so worth it...

Invictus

William Henley wrote this poem along with a collection of others from 1873-1875 while he was in a hospital due to complications from Tuberculosis of the bone. It speaks clearly of perseverance and directing one's fate. The poem was a favorite of Nelson Mandela's. He read it to inmates while he was imprisoned to help keep their/his spirits up. I read it as a reminder that no matter what we "think" we are going through; no matter how difficult the challenge appears, who we truly are can never be hurt or conquered or become less than.  We are and will always be whole.

Invictus

William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.

New to Me

It's always exciting to stumble on a new teacher or author. Sometimes they are new to the scene and other times they are just new to me. Either way, a fresh take on the subject of spiritual awakening is an excellent opportunity to hear it all again for the first time. There's nothing like the great a-ha moment you get when something you may have heard a 1000 times is said in just a slightly different way and suddenly a light goes on. That's how I felt when I watched this video. It is a very short clip from one of Alan Watts' lectures. Alan Watts died in 1973 but I just stumbled on him last week.  He is greatly responsible for bringing Eastern thought (Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, etc) to the Western world in an accessible, relate-able way for us Westerners. Isn't it great that there can be so many different ways to view the universe? Isn't it wonderful that we don't have to settle for just one way; that we can find what resonates with us and dig deeper from there? If you have 4 minutes, check out this video and see if Alan Watts resonates with you like he did with me. :)

Enjoy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMRrCYPxD0I

...and if you liked that, here's more:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZ8so-ld-l0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-u5LE6X6ME

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJStjV4HkSE

A Time for Everything

This is an interpretation of the 29th verse of the Tao Te Ching. It makes for a lovely morning meditation.

Do you think you can take over the universe and improve it?

I do not believe it can be done.

Everything under heaven is a sacred vessel and cannot be controlled.

Trying to control leads to ruin.

Trying to grasp, we lose.

Allow your life to unfold naturally.

Know that it too is a vessel of perfection.

Just as you breathe in and breathe out,

there is a time for being ahead

and a time for being behind;

a time for being in motion

and a time for being at rest;

a time for being vigorous

and a time for being exhausted;

a time for being safe

and a time for being in danger.

To the sage

all of life is movement toward perfection,

so what need has he

for the excessive, the extravagant, or the extreme?

The Tao Te Ching is a book of wisdom thought to be written by Lao-tzu 2,500 years ago using 5,000 Chinese characters.  There have been thousands of interpretations of the Tao, this one comes from Dr. Wayne Dyer's book Change Your Thoughts Change Your Life - Living the Wisdom of the Tao.

Bowling Anyone?

We went bowling yesterday. Just my husband, son and I. It was my idea. We hadn't done anything just the 3 of us for a while and we wanted to get out and have a little fun. And though it was my idea, and I was excited about it, there was a little voice in the back of my head saying, "What do you think you're doing here? Trying to bowl with an oxygen tank strapped to your back and ridiculously low lung function? This is a crazy idea!" But I ignored the voice and continued to our lane. Picking up a 9 lb ball, (I looked for lighter but the finger holes were too small!) I took a breath and marched down the lane with a 1,2,3,4 throw count I learned from the bowling lessons my grandma gave a cousin of mine and I way back when we were 12.  Some things just stick with you.

At first the doomsday voice in my head got very loud, pointing out just how difficult this was, noting how out of breath I was and doubting I would recover in time for my next turn.  And in fact I gave my son a couple of my turns. But I stuck with it and I did alright, fairly consistently knocking down 7-9 pins, getting the occasional spare and coming close to a strike a few times (I was robbed I tell you, robbed!). We played 2 games. At the end of the first game I thought I might just sit the 2nd game out and cheer the boys on from my seat, but instead I kept going. And it got easier. In fact I began to feel like I was getting my second (or really 1st) wind.

On the last frame I almost passed on my turn, but then changed my mind. I grabbed my ball and thought, why not? Why not seize the moment? Why give it away? Just do it. You never know when you'll be bowling again.  Enjoy the moment. And I did. And I bowled a strike in the last frame! The coveted time to strike because you get to play an extra frame. So I grabbed my ball and went again, 1,2,3,4 and zoom - another strike! My boys went wild. Go again? Alright. I approached the lane a 3rd time 1,2,3,4 and promptly threw it straight in the gutter. Ah well! Back to reality I guess! It didn't matter. I felt like you do when you complete a really physically demanding exercise - like an intense interval training or something similar. I was exhausted and exhilarated at the same time. And I was proud of myself. Proud that I had pushed through the challenge and ignored the doubting voice in my head and pleased that I was actually able to do it. It felt really good. And even though I know I'll be paying the price a bit today with a sore shoulder or arm, it will be totally worth it for the experience of living fully for a little while.  And, incidentally, I won that last game :)

I write this with the intention of illustrating how important it is to quiet the doubting voice that we all have. The one that limits us. We all face challenges in our life and I don't pretend to have greater challenges than anyone else. My desire is simply to share in a personal way that when we leave behind the voice that tells us we can't do something and instead believe in ourselves, we can push through some of our challenges and come out on the other side feeling great; having learned a little bit more about who we are and what we are capable of. It's nothing new or earth shattering to be sure, but it is a good reminder.

Happy Dance

    Spring On!

Springing Forth

The open palm of desire

Wants everything

It wants everything

It wants soil as soft as summer

And the strength to push like spring.

Further to Fly, Paul Simon

This song has been playing on repeat in my head all weekend, especially the last line. The strength to push like spring. In that simple, poignant way that Paul Simon has with words he creates a picture and a feeling in one line. The strength to push like spring. Spring… How is it every year I develop a sort of spring amnesia? I can barely remember what it feels like to go outside barefoot and feel the warm sun on my arms. I can barely remember what my redbud looks like when it is in full bloom or the apple tree blossoms. And what exactly does it sound like to hear song birds in your back yard or the hum of those strange bees that try to burrow into the wood of our gazebo every year? And that spring scent, that hard fought for sweetness which can only be found in the Midwest?  It always seems like a dream at this time of year. And yet despite all indicators being to the contrary – the brown frozen ground, the bare trees, the snowflakes that swirled around me this morning – we know spring will come. Even before the first Robins appear and the crocuses pop up. Even before we note the lengthening of days, we know it will come. We have faith. We have faith that spring is strong enough to push through winter, that life will win out again in the cycle of our year. And even if Mother Nature appears to be turning a blind eye to the spring vernal equinox, we know she’ll come around eventually. We know, eventually, that winter must loosen its grip and give way to spring. The funny thing is we have absolutely no control over when that will be. We have no choice but to let it go and let it come.  But we are strong too, so we take a breath and we keep the faith as the strength of spring moves inward and pushes us along.

Happy Pi Day!

It's Pi day! 3-14 It's the middle of March and with the winter we have had here in the Midwest we're borderline desperate for things to celebrate. So bake a pie, buy a pie, talk someone who bakes into making you a pie. Some how, some way get our hands on a piece of pie. And while you're at it, stick a candle in it in honor of Albert Einstein who was born on this day in 1879.  More than a genius theoretical physicist, he was wise beyond his time. Some of my favorite Einstein quotes are listed below.

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. 

Imagination encircles the world."

"There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; 

you can live as if everything is a miracle."

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. 

The important thing is to not stop questioning."

"The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. 

It cannot be changed without changing our thinking."

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting to get different results."

In his book, Man's Search for Meaning,Viktor Frankl (psychologist, neurologist and holocaust survivor) talks about an exercise he did with patients who were suffering from deep regret or depression. He asked them to imagine themselves very old and on their deathbed. He then asked them to reflect back on their life.  Was it meaningful? Was there value and purpose in it? Was this a life you were proud to have led? 

This is such a powerful exercise to do for yourself. Imagining yourself at the end of your physical life puts everything into perspective.  Whether or not every meal turned out delicious and nutritious becomes a lot less important than did I raise my child to have good values or did I show kindness and compassion to others?  Was I a good friend, wife, father, son, daughter? Was I kind to myself and did I live each day to the fullest?  What a great exercise to highlight what is of real value in our lives and what we could probably let go of.

When I did this exercise I realized that I truly had lived a wonderful life. Not that I had done everything perfectly, certainly not! But I was glad about many of the choices I had made. In reflection, my mistakes seemed less traumatic while the lessons I'd learned from them seemed to be far more important.  I even noticed a richness to life that I think so often gets lost in the steady hum of day to day life. In the end I found renewed enthusiasm for life. Isn't it funny how imagining being at the end of one's life can bring about a new energy for living it?

The Power of Vulnerability

Enjoy this entertaining and insightful TED talk by author and researcher Brene' Brown. My cousin shared this video with me a few years ago and I still get a little something more from it every time I watch it.
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

Be still...

To Worry or Not to Worry

The funny thing about worrying is that it is completely useless, and yet we do it all the time. In fact I think we are convinced that if we don't worry about something or someone, we aren't really doing our job. If we don't worry about our kids or our friends or family, then does that mean we don't care about them? If we don't worry about our future, does that mean we won't have one to go to? There is a quote written on the chalkboard of a coffee shop I like to go to: "Worrying is a waste of the imagination!" It makes me smile every time, because it is so true. If we could imagine anything for ourselves, our planet, our loved ones, wouldn't we want to imagine positive outcomes? 

I also love Mark Twain's observation when he said, "I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened." How many times have I worst case scenario'd something right down to the dramatic music playing, only to have the tragedy averted and all be well moments later?!

And then there are the ever wise words of the Dalai Lama, "If a problem is fixable, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever."

And lastly, if we could just trust this...

In response to the incessant blathering of my inner critic...

Though you claim to be the expert in all things right and perfect in my life, on how I should be living and what I should be doing, it occurs to me, rather suddenly really, that there is the slightest chance that you are wrong. Yes. Wrong.
And if there is the slightest chance that you might be wrong about all the things that you say I am not - like strong enough, brave enough, smart enough, thoughtful enough, or plain old good enough - then that slight chance deserves a little exploring. I mean...
What if I was strong enough?
What if I was actually brave and quite thoughtful really?
And what if, just maybe, I was good enough exactly as I am?
Oh the implications!
And if I am all these things, then it stands to reason that everyone is. That each and every one of us are enough exactly as we are right now. Yes. Right. Now.

The breeze at dawn...

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.

Don't go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.

Don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorsill

where the two worlds touch.

The door is wide and open.

Don't go back to sleep.

~Rumi

The Optimist Creed

A creed worth committing to memory and repeating often...

The Optimist Creed

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.  Think only of the best, work only for the best and expect only the best.  Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!

~Christian D. Larson

The Story of the Two Wolves

The Story of the Two Wolves has many versions. 

This particular one comes from Pema Chodron's book Taking the Leap

A Native American grandfather was speaking to his grandson about violence and cruelty in the world and how it comes about. He said it were as if two wolves were fighting in his heart. One wolf was vengeful and angry, and the other wolf was understanding and kind. The young man asked his grandfather which wolf would win the fight in his heart. And the grandfather answered, "The one that wins will be the one I choose to feed."

The wolves fighting for attention in our hearts may be different than the grandfather's. They may be  self-doubt vs confidence, worry vs faith, fear vs love, lack vs abundance, negativity vs enthusiasm, etc. Whatever they are it is nice to know that it is always our choice which one we feed.  Just like negativity and complaining can grow and spread like wildfire from one person to the next, so too can optimism, enthusiasm, a simple smile.  As we continue to turn away from the wolf that causes pain and suffering, it begins to wither from neglect. And as we continually, consistently make the choice to turn toward the kind, loving, confident wolf so will it become stronger. Which wolf are you feeding?

Beginning Again

Do we ever really know the moment when we begin again; when a chapter ends and a new one begins? Is it like the turn of a page, so crisp, so distinct? Or does it blend and blur a bit like the changing of seasons? When I was finally listed for a double lung transplant, having gone through a rigorous testing program, I thought this is it. I am stepping onto the bridge, crossing over into life post-transplant. Two years and 8 months later (but who's counting?) I find myself still standing on the bridge. What happened to my new beginning? Why hasn't it shown up yet? Did it come and I missed it distracted by some silly thing leaving me stranded on the bridge? Or was that not really the cue to a new chapter? A false start that faked us all out. We've been prepped and ready for some time now, mostly skimming through what we thought were the last few dreary pages. But oh how this chapter drones on! Seems maybe what I missed was the point.

So what is the point then? Perhaps it has less to do with dramatic entrances and exits into stages of our lives and more with how we approach each day or moment of our life. Each new breath being a chance to begin again. To stand at the edge of now and say from this moment on... Forgiving all our mistakes and heartbreaks and pressing onward. Starting fresh in each moment to enjoy our lives as we live them. Not in retrospect or prospect but right here, right now.  That is the point I decided to get out of this anyway.

And so it is with that sense of beginning anew that I begin this blog, a Daily Hi. My intention is to post daily, something refreshing, inspiring, funny or hopeful. Sometimes my own words, sometimes borrowed from a teacher I admire. Just a little something each day to help me stay focused on what really matters and perhaps uplift someone along the way. Let's see how this goes...